If Only...

I've got a lot of things on my mind that I wish to say to you but I just can't anymore because you are no longer mine. the way you treat me now, its like as if i meant nothing to you to begin with, if only you knew how much you meant to me, i swear you would never want to let me go, because I doubt anyone will love you as much as I do. you were the first one, i trusted, the first one i ever believed in. I blame myself for everything that I have done, I never should have hurt you from the start, but I was immature right at that time. I was to be blamed. I never should have let my ego and pride take over me. I was a fool back then. I remember you saying that you were hurt badly after knowing that you were with someone, whom never did love you but was still trying by being with you even after knowing. I feel that way too. I feel like you were forcing yourself all these while to be with me. I knew there was something wrong in this relationship for the past few months, I tried changing but you didn't see the changes in me. Have you stopped and tried to ask yourself why I always argued with you? Did you ever think the reason why I argued was because I cared and because I loved you? Did you? I was wrong at the start, but why won't you give me a chance once more to try my very best? I want to change and I would do anything if I could be with you again once more. I would do my very best to make you happy once more, to show you I love you, to appreciate you, to love and care for you. But will you give me that chance? No, you wouldn't. I don't think you would even if i begged you. Look back at the times we had in the past, the happy moments, instead of the sadness that we went through. Was it that bad? 

Dear A, 

I would love to tell you that I love you so much, more than anything else in this world. No matter how hurt I am, how tired I am, how bored I am, how sick I am, I would never let this relationship go nor have given up on you. Right from the start when you made those vows and promises, I promised myself the same, but I don't know why things have to turn out this way. It hurts so bad, to see the way you treat me, inf act my heart is breaking and all I want to do right now is just hold you in my arms and not let you go. I wish I could, but it hurts that I only can look at you right now and wish that I could do so. True love only comes once in a lifetime, and you were the one I truly love from the bottom of my heart. I wish you knew that. Tonight my love, would be the last night I would think of you, just like what you want me to do, I would do as you say. I would leave you on your own right now, you are free to go, free to see whoever you want, free to do whatever you want. I'm letting you go but don't get me wrong, I'm not going to be with someone else, I'm just doing as you wish, because I know you ain't coming back for me, not anymore. Apart of me, wants to wait for you, but.. I don't have a choice anymore. I just want to cry all night with you by my side, holding me tight, imagining it right now all by myself is just too hard for me. Thank you for making me believe in love like I've never believed in, thank you for making me believe in having a future with someone I love, thank you for the times you were there for me, thank you for being patient, for sticking around although I hurt you, for being the one who gave me hope and believed in me, for calling me your true love, for making me understand what life is all about, for making me strive to become better, for making my days since April 17, 2010, a meaningful one. if only you would give me a chance or if only i could have you in my arms again, i swear I would appreciate you and never take you for granted because I never want to lose you ever again. I love you, I always will. I hope you'll be better without me. 

p/s: seeing you for the last time today, it made me feel more than happy to even have a glance of you although you didn't look at my face. 

:) one of my favorites <3

Love always, 

Amanda.