If Only...

I've got a lot of things on my mind that I wish to say to you but I just can't anymore because you are no longer mine. the way you treat me now, its like as if i meant nothing to you to begin with, if only you knew how much you meant to me, i swear you would never want to let me go, because I doubt anyone will love you as much as I do. you were the first one, i trusted, the first one i ever believed in. I blame myself for everything that I have done, I never should have hurt you from the start, but I was immature right at that time. I was to be blamed. I never should have let my ego and pride take over me. I was a fool back then. I remember you saying that you were hurt badly after knowing that you were with someone, whom never did love you but was still trying by being with you even after knowing. I feel that way too. I feel like you were forcing yourself all these while to be with me. I knew there was something wrong in this relationship for the past few months, I tried changing but you didn't see the changes in me. Have you stopped and tried to ask yourself why I always argued with you? Did you ever think the reason why I argued was because I cared and because I loved you? Did you? I was wrong at the start, but why won't you give me a chance once more to try my very best? I want to change and I would do anything if I could be with you again once more. I would do my very best to make you happy once more, to show you I love you, to appreciate you, to love and care for you. But will you give me that chance? No, you wouldn't. I don't think you would even if i begged you. Look back at the times we had in the past, the happy moments, instead of the sadness that we went through. Was it that bad? 

Dear A, 

I would love to tell you that I love you so much, more than anything else in this world. No matter how hurt I am, how tired I am, how bored I am, how sick I am, I would never let this relationship go nor have given up on you. Right from the start when you made those vows and promises, I promised myself the same, but I don't know why things have to turn out this way. It hurts so bad, to see the way you treat me, inf act my heart is breaking and all I want to do right now is just hold you in my arms and not let you go. I wish I could, but it hurts that I only can look at you right now and wish that I could do so. True love only comes once in a lifetime, and you were the one I truly love from the bottom of my heart. I wish you knew that. Tonight my love, would be the last night I would think of you, just like what you want me to do, I would do as you say. I would leave you on your own right now, you are free to go, free to see whoever you want, free to do whatever you want. I'm letting you go but don't get me wrong, I'm not going to be with someone else, I'm just doing as you wish, because I know you ain't coming back for me, not anymore. Apart of me, wants to wait for you, but.. I don't have a choice anymore. I just want to cry all night with you by my side, holding me tight, imagining it right now all by myself is just too hard for me. Thank you for making me believe in love like I've never believed in, thank you for making me believe in having a future with someone I love, thank you for the times you were there for me, thank you for being patient, for sticking around although I hurt you, for being the one who gave me hope and believed in me, for calling me your true love, for making me understand what life is all about, for making me strive to become better, for making my days since April 17, 2010, a meaningful one. if only you would give me a chance or if only i could have you in my arms again, i swear I would appreciate you and never take you for granted because I never want to lose you ever again. I love you, I always will. I hope you'll be better without me. 

p/s: seeing you for the last time today, it made me feel more than happy to even have a glance of you although you didn't look at my face. 

:) one of my favorites <3

Love always, 

Amanda. 

As the days go by.

26/11/11- the day was going so well. i was busy with shooting my documentary which was about some malay dish which I've never tried. It was Jason's idea though, plus he helped me with the shooting, such a sweetheart right? :) after the shoot, i spent some time at Subang till evening, went back home for dinner but instead had a last minute plan with Ashley. She's one heck of a funny girl. she wanted to take me out to meet her friends so that I'll start dating again since I'm single. well, there were some good looking ones that talked, but oh well, not so soon. headed to one of the Kopitiam's and ended up going to Overtime to drink right up till 1am. phew. I had fun indeed, after so many weeks of plain torture and stress which was never ending from my relationship to my family to my studies. someone help me please :( however, the night didn't end well as usual thanks to you know who. i really felt so emotionally and mentally tortured. everytime he says something it affects me at some point based on the words he uses against me, just plain hurtful, but then there's always my good friends to comfort me and to tell me what i should do and what I shouldn't. so yes, i've made up my mind this time. 

27/11/11- slept reaaaaaaaaaly late last night, was on the phone ranting and complaining. haha. but had to wake up at 9am :| was suppose to head down to Pavillion to shop with the friends but i was super tired, so decided to go to Starbucks to get my PR documentation done, but as usual I couldn't concentrate, the moment I stepped into Aeon, all the shits came back into my mind again. smoked and smoked to ease the pain, and after a few hours of doing my work, I decided to destress myself by going for shoppppppping. got some really good deals (y) from Cotton On :D i was super duper happy when I got myself a leopard printed dress! 

THIS IS WHAT I BOUGHT. HEHEHEHE :D

i guess that's about it, whatever I did yesterday and today. hopefully tomorrow goes smoothly :))) I must be determined and confident this time! :DD

as my world falls apart.

23rd of November, the day my heart crushed into a million pieces. as i read those words, my tears rolled down my cheek, from a single tear to a river of tears. I've never felt so sad and heartbrokened in my life before until today. that one person, i put all my trust in, that one person whom i thought i knew all these while, that one person i thought i could count on, that one person i put the most effort into and spent almost two years loving him, was that person that brought me down to my weakest and worst point of my life. i never thought that this would end, after how much of promises and the will of fighting for this relationship, my one and only longest relationship. everyday, I thought about him, not a day i never stopped thinking, even when we argued, even when i was angry, all the time without fail, everywhere or anywhere I go, the first thing i think about is him. it has been him since day one of April 2010. never once i had that thought of cheating behind his back, not once. I've always tried so hard to be the best girlfriend since the start, I even learned cooking just to cook what he loves. But what did i get in the end? today, after trying so hard to avoid my thoughts and memories, finally it came to me. the first thing that came into my mind was the first few days we started dating, the day he would come visit me everyday without fail at work, buying me my favorite food, pork rice and we would go to the Botanic Park, spend sometime there taking pictures and talking to each other. i even remembered the days where we would go for movies, every Friday because we had different class timings, we would plan our timetable every semester, the days we had taking the train and the bus, the first day of my college, we went through hell but we went through it together. also, the wednesday's we had, the ice cream day, where you would get me my favorite ice cream, cotton candy and chocolate chip mint, the days we spent watching movies together in bed, the nights we smoked together behind his house when his parents weren't home, the amount of roses he got me almost every month everytime we argued, the times we spent always going for the best foods around that we can find, especially bah kut teh, the moments of sadness and happiness we always shared, we never really cared how it felt as long as we were together. the fingertip promises we made when i was leaving to australia, that he would wait for me till i'm back, the nights we spent talking nonsense on the phone for hours, the times we had when we finish college, he would hold my hand while his driving all the way back to klang, the holidays and shopping we spent together, even occasions like my birthday, and even valentines day, the one and only person i spent with, hoping and planning how to spend christmas with him this year when he gets back from korea on the 25th of December. all those memories, i will never have them back, and honestly i don't know where to start from here. it feels like I'm left all alone in the middle of the road, with no one to hear me screaming or crying. today is the day, i felt the worst, one of the days i would never forget that brought the worst pain in my heart. the worst part is having to face everyone with a smile on my face when deep down it hurts so much. Just so you know, I miss you so much till my whole body feels the pain, not only my heart, but every part of me. But here it is, as i type this with my tears rolling down my cheek, you're the best i ever had, the one and only person that i loved the most in my whole entire life. i wish you all the best and i hope you will find someone better then me, one day. i promise i would forget you even through tough times. goodbye my love.