back to those times.

i don't know why but this thought suddenly came into my mind. while i was scrolling through people's pics i suddenly thought about the times these two people were so madly in love, and now that we're all grown up, i see the both of them in two different people's arms. it's really saddening because when i asked, he said i don't really know what kind of relationship we're in now, whether we're flings or really in a relationship. i mean yeah we have to move on. but i just don't get why two people can't be in a relationship for long. just because one person changes? how is it possible for one to change and not have feelings for the one you really really loved and that's why you chose to be with him? if only, people never did change, life would have been much easier. 

Oh Happy Day.

            and so... the day was nicely done today. not much of  a big hassle or a time planned kind of thing, and things actually worked out pretty well :) went to MGS the first thing in the morning today to confirm about the event, but as usual i couldn't enter the school because i was wearing a dress above my knee, such silly rules! it rained in the morning and i thought it would be a bad way to start the day, so went to college but class was canceled. therefore, i spent the next 5 hours with baby. we watched some videos and then went for a movie. guess what movie it is? hehe, Johnny English Reborn.

            Basically, the movie is about Rowan Atkinson getting back as a spy/ whatever is it called, and he was then mistaken to be a secret agent whom was really dangerous and was then being searched for by the CIA. Don't want to be a spoiler but, i actually thought that the first movie was wayyyyy better than this one because it was much hilarious. This one was hilarious too, but to me it wasn't really that funny except for the last few scenes. oh well, but still i had fun because i got to watch it with baby, and everything felt really nice :D 

            after the movie, went back to college for tv production class and out of nowhere there was a talk by this guy named Jess, an employer relations guy andddddd, for the first time in my whole life, i actually listened and felt that i should change after the talk. i mean seriously, it was good to me because it was a good start for us to start preparing ourselves for the future where we would be employed by others. i really thought of my future suddenly, and what i would want to be and how will i achieve those dreams, if i'm always a small and petite looking girl which doesn't stand out. i really need to STAND OUT and have the courage in everything i do instead of always letting people take my place when i know i can do it. oh and he also said that smelling good is another important thing! HAHA funny but true indeed. alright i guess that's all for now, time to work on my storyboard! woots! :))))

p/s : i trust you in every single way, no matter how hard it is, but I've made a choice to change, trust and love you with all my heart just as how you've always loved me <3

Seventeenth.

i'm happy, i'm grateful for everything that I have.

but sometimes i ask myself? is this the life that I want? is this how things are suppose to be?

it's just another day where my mind starts to wander and ask me questions in my head.

it's like as if i'm missing apart of me no matter how happy I am.

I'm happy to have a family that cares, a boyfriend that loves me for who I am. 

at times i regret always making a big fuss about the things that he always does, 

but what do i get in the end after all those arguments? 

nothing but only a feeling where I feel the closeness is gone. where I feel like things between us are drifting apart.

i admit, i overreacted and i think too much at times. 

i've changed to become a more matured and reasonable person. but yet, why don't i feel the same like how we used to be anymore? i miss you. i miss every little thing we had, i wish we could go back to the start,

where nothing else matters except me and you. why can't it be the same? 

i miss those times where you would show me way too much affection, 

where you would never wanna let my hand go, where you would send me long messages during our anniversary, where you would just be so loving and caring all the time. has it all gone away?

at times i look back and i constantly think about what it would be like if you have left me. that feeling really scares me to death and i'm so grateful that you're still with me, through thick and thin,

through every hardship, every single attitude that I've had and been. 

Don't get me wrong, i really appreciate everything and i know that you love me. 

But now i just need assurance and affection.

That's what i've been longing for all these while. 

and i'm still waiting patiently for that day to come. 

I love you, and i hope you know and appreciate how much I do. 

i just wish i could let you know how i feel, but I just can't open up to you 

and make myself feel like i'm bugging you.

i just wanna hold you close, and never let you go.

Happy17th Anniversary baby. I love you, and it has always been you all these while. Sorry for the times i've hurt you, and thank you for making me feel loved again <3 You're the best thing that has ever happened to me .

Brand new.

and life goes on. this journey,
i'll have to walk a thousand miles whether with you hand in hand, or someone else or alone, 
i'll go through it with strength and determination. 
everything else doesn't matter anymore, its my dreams that is going to be focused on from now on.
life is much easier than i thought it was, 
and there's a whole new perspective in me that really wants to shine brightly and stand out.
I do not regret the pain I have been through in the past, it made me who I am today, 
and I'm proud of it. something i'll always remember, 
god gave us life because he knew that we had the ability to live it. 


:)

Arms by Christina Perri

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I'm home

How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I've never opened up
I've never truly loved 'Till you put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go


I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

You put your arms around me and I'm home. 


this song is really meaningful. it just explains how much or fear i have in my heart when it comes to love. 

In the end, this is all that matters.

i read through it although it was so hurtful and long to continue with,

while my tears rolled down,

thinking why he would say such words to me in the first place. 

they say, what's from the heart, come's out from the mouth.

so i guess it's true, there isn't anything left and all you want is a break.

i thought about it the whole night, and yes. I'll let you have it.

loving someone does not mean we need to be with that person,

as long as that person is happy, you should be happy for him/her. 

and yes, i'm happy for you. 

i know i shouldn't be looking back at the past but there are so many reasons why i do it. 

they say first loves are hard to forget, that makes it even harder to hate that person,

and i know you'll never forget her neither will you hate her no matter how much you deny it. 

that's probably why I can't accept the fact or trust you with these. 

you've done everything with her. who am i now? i'm sure there are times where we went out together,

that made you remember about the past. didn't it? you guys had so much to remember and i am just the one in the middle. out of nowhere i just feel that way. oh and worst still our anniversary is on the same day which is 17th, how the fuck will i feel? i just feel like a fuckin' replacement, seriously. oh and worst still you blog soooooo much about her, and for me i don't see anything new or different from what you do for her. read your blog, and it was really sweet of you posting up things for her and ending it with an 'ily'.
you don't even show me much affection anymore, all i see is just you being tired and bored of everything. 
you don't even care when i buy you something. not even a single appreciation or even a "thank you" from you when i even bought you the drink cos' you're sick before i went to college. 
not a single post on my wall for my birthday, not even a shoutout or a status for me anymore. not a single reply on fb when you can reply all your friends but not me. you broke my heart even on my birthday and yet i'm wiling to forgive you.
to come to think of it, i feel like a fool. worst still, i'm at my worst now. all i want to do is just be alone for now. i don't deserve all this from you. not at all. like what people say, it's like i'm the only one caring so much about this relationship but not you and i deserve better.

i still remember everything that you've told me in the past. right until today. whatever you told me and what you said you'll be. but it's all different now, ain't it? because people fucking change! 

i'm done trying to convince myself that everything feels alright. but in the end, i know it will never be the same for you, no matter how hard i try. 

it's just too hard for me and i can't take it anymore.


p/s : i'm not jealous or anything, but frankly speaking, i just feel like a replacement. really. and it really hurts being in this situation. it just sucks to be me. 

it's you who let me go in the end, so let it be. goodbye.